she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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