the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
