I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
