i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
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woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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