if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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