I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
