I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
