YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
