Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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