I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
