So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
