I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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