I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
