I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
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