i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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