and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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