He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
