Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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