watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
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