I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
