I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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