If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
