Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
