I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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