Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
