I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
