I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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