Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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