I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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