Your tits are I can't wait for
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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