it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
