if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Watching her eat just hurts me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Pooping to opera.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
