Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
