i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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