i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
