Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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