Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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