you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
