When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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