how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just forgot I was standing up.
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