It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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