And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
why is half of my head shaved?
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