i think i have two assholes
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
