so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
