I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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