We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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