You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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