She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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