Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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