I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
