He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
