The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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