I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
