I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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